Lessons To The Kid I Never Had

This post is about lessons I’ve gathered for my future children, and also how I decided not to have any children.

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I'd like to share something personal with you...

I’ve been writing this book since I was a kid. I’ve kept it in my head for 30 years.

When I learn something of value about an intangible concept I think of the ways I could communicate this to my future children.  These are the types of lessons that you don’t learn about in school, such as self-awareness, reflection, mindfulness, compassion, empathy, mindset, intuition… I love creating a lesson plan to convey complex concepts to a child. 

Let’s take mindfulness for example.

Say a child is in the midst of a tantrum. They have so much anger boiling up inside of them. They don’t have the tools yet to cope with this emotion so it explodes up and out. For me, mindfulness is about being able to assess my current or previous state as if from an outside perspective. Here I may see all sides of my emotions and what is at their core.

How can we teach a child to be mindful of their feelings?

Image based on my favorite children’s book, No More Monsters For Me.

Here is what I would do… have the child create a Monster.

• What does this monster look like?

• Is it furry?

• Is it tall?

• Does it have big teeth?

  This big scary monster is your anger!

• What is its name?

• Ask this monster why it’s angry.

• Ask this monster what this anger feels like.

• Ask this monster how it wants to feel if not angry.

• What would make this monster happy?

• Ask more and more questions until the child has a clear understanding of the emotion and experience.

  Every time we ask this monster a question, it gets smaller and smaller.

• Can you draw a picture of the big scary monster and the cute tiny monster it becomes?

In carrying out this exercise, the child can learn how to express their feelings and understand why they feel a certain way and how to cope with it. They also clearly express themselves and feel their emotions are valid and heard. 

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Once I hit adulthood, I became aware of my choice. That is, the choice to become a mother.

Growing up, it was always assumed that little girls would one day get married and become a mom. They take care of their dolls, clean their kitchen sets, prepare pretend meals, play "family" with the neighbor girl... The first time I stepped back and asked myself if that’s what I wanted (in my mid 20’s), I heard a resounding “No.” 

It was counterintuitive but I went back and forth with this answer for years. What did I keep this mental docket for if not for the sake of my future children? I take great pride in this guidebook I have been writing for 30 years and I wondered if I would be throwing it all away if I didn't have anyone to pass it on too. 

I'm 35 years old right now. At this point, I haven't shut the door on children. But I feel no great desire to have them. I remember when my sister was trying for a baby, she told me that she's never wanted anything more. Until I feel this way, if I ever feel this way, I'm not going to bring a child into this world. 

People ask me "Aren't you afraid you are going to regret it in the future?" I can't help but laugh at this. You must not know me very well. 

My life's philosophy includes:

1. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. 

2. Every experience carries the opportunity to learn and grow. 

As long as you continue to learn and grow and trust in the Universe that you are exactly where you are meant to be in any given moment, why would I carry any regrets? If I had any regrets, it would be because I haven't yet learned what I was meant to from the experience I had. I can say with 100% certainty that I would not regret it if I did have children. And I can also say that I wouldn’t regret it if I DIDN’T have children. 

People who both know me well, or are complete strangers have asked me “When are you going to have kids?” When I tell them I don’t want any I can see the look of shock in their eyes. So many times I have been told by people who apparently know me better than I know myself that I will in fact have children. This is almost amusing, if it weren’t so appalling. Why do they feel so uncomfortable with the idea that I don’t want kids? Sure, maybe it’s because they love their kids so much they think EVERYONE should experience that love. Or maybe they are insecure of their place in life so they feel they need to influence others into making the same choices they did.

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The only disappointment I have personally dealt with in my choice to not have children up until now, is that this unwritten guidebook will be squandered. I am so proud of the little Abbey who was thinking about how to teach these valuable kid lessons I was learning to another child. I suppose it helped me process the lessons myself. And to keep this tradition going during every epiphany over the last 30 years is a major accomplishment and something I treasure.

But what happens now? Was it all for nothing?

But I recently had another epiphany… I see now how I can use these tools to help others. I’m already doing it in fact. Years of breaking down these intangible concepts has laid the foundation for what I do here at Boundless! Every day I write about things that have no shape or form and I have to clearly and eloquently describe the importance of things like mindfulness, values, awareness…

The Radiant Compass is available for purchase in The Shop At Boundless.

I take something like values and uncover the recipe.

• What are values?

• Why are they important?

• How do our values affect our passions, purpose, decision, habits…?

• How can we unlock our own values?

Here I guide our Boundless clients in self-reflection and discovery.  

Boundless has created a Ritual based on this concept! Find the Inner Compass Ritual available in The Shop At Boundless.

Little did I know, that my greatest strength comes from the very thing I prided most in myself. It just serves a purpose I hadn’t considered until now. I can still share these lessons and pass on this wisdom to whomever will listen. This passion I have of breaking down obscure topics into digestible terms has served me immensely when it comes to cultivating Boundless. Now my passion has turned into my purpose and I present, along with my Soul Sister and business partner, Niki Baker, a destination for self-awareness, well-being and personal development that is Boundless. 

I didn’t know I could feel even more connected to this well-being refuge. I am exactly where I was meant to be.

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Can you relate to this post? What has been your experience when it come to the choice in parenthood? I would love to hear your perspective! Please consider sharing in the comments below.

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Sincerely,

Abigail Duncan | Spiritual Guide